Drive By of the Day — September 27, 2006

Over at Pump Mom, Pumping Mom wrote about her first drive by with her youngest son. In her post My first Darth D. mommy drive-by, she describes an encounter in a grocery store:

I took David with me to the supermarket yesterday. While waiting in line, an old (bitch) lady next to me looked down at David, and said very loudly,

"Your mother must be starving you!"

My husband offered that maybe she was trying to be sarcastic, to sound funny, and it came out wrong. Because David is over the 95th percentile for his age in size and weight. There is a reason why we call him Little Piggy.

But still, WHAT THE HELL?

When is a drive by OK?

I've linked to this post before—The Funny Little Universe at Tied to the Tracks. I've already posted an except from her description of receiving a drive by, but earlier in the same post, she talked about a situation where she wished she had spoken up and didn't. I've been in similar situations (although none quite so awful), and I sympathize with her dilema. Do you speak up? If you do, will it help? How do you distinguish between a drive by and necessary intervention—especially when some people are willing to claim, for example, that allowing a baby to cry it out is a form of abuse?

Here is an excerpt from her story . . .

I agree that parental drive-bys are the ultimate in poor manners, and I try to keep my opinions to myself. And yet, I draw the line at public child abuse, and will, in cases where a child is being abused, speak up. I have done this only twice in my life, and both times were highly traumatic for all parties involved, but they aren't the situations that come back to haunt me. What I think about a lot is the time I did not speak up, and should have.

When she was six, my daughter broke her wrist jumping off a tree stump at day camp. We ended up in pediatric orthopedic care at the University of Michigan's hospital so she could be xrayed. We were just hanging out there in the xray suite waiting our turn to talk to the doctor before we went to the cast room. There were three examination tables in this particular room, one empty, one ours, and on the third one, next to us, a little girl maybe ten years old. She had an elaborate cast on her left arm, the kind that has a metal bar to hold it in a particular position. There were xrays on the wall light box and I could see she had three pins in the bone of her upper arm. This was, in other words, a damn serious break.

Her father was with her. A guy maybe thirty five. Well dressed, middle class. And hissing at her like a snake. I can call it up with perfect clarity all these years later. It went like this: don't you cry don't you dare cry you baby you sniveling baby you can't get away with that with me maybe your mother puts up with it the bitch but not with me. shut up shut up shut up. And it never stopped for the ten minutes we were in that room together.

The girl was weeping, tears running down her face in a steady stream, her whole body shaking. And I said nothing. Why? How could I not tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP and leave the kid alone? I wanted to.

Drive by of the day — September 19, 2006

This drive by was posted by Beth in the comment section of the Annie Get Your Gun post at Sarcastic Journalist. It's a great example of the "birthing choice"-genre of drive-bys—and from someone who might be expected to know a bit more about birth complications.

But I'm glad Beth had a quick response. . .

. . . my birth instructor had the nerve to tell me that if I had Kyle at home there would not have been any complications and that somehow because I had him at a hospital that I was less of a woman. Mind you, I had a c-section because Kyle was trapped with his head crooked at the top of my birth canal. So I say to her, “No. Really? I could have had him at home without complications? I guess if you do not consider death a complication, I could have.”

A response to the drive by-ers

I just read the post Annie Get Your Gun! at Sarcastic Journalist. In the post, she admits to enjoying the Celebrity Baby Blog, but she's bothered by the drive by comments she sometimes reads there. I loved her response—here's a brief excerpt . . .

What bothers me about this blog are the “drive bys.”

You know, the women who think they know how everything should be and have no problem telling their opinion? You should only have a drug-free labor. You should breastfeed until age 27. You should name your child Billy Jim Bob Bubba and if you don’t, they are “disappointed” in you.

. . .

Why do women do this? What makes you think you have the right to act like you know everything and that everyone should do it the way you do? I know I’m not perfect and I can be judgemental at times. I hope, however, that I NEVER go up to someone and try to make them feel bad about themselves.

Drive by of the Day - September 16, 2006

Today's Drive By is from Flea at One Good Thing. In her post Tightass she writes about a neighbor who's a habitual drive by-er.

Here's an excerpt . . .

But the variations of the Mommy drive-bys are legion, and each one unforgettable in its own train-wreck way.

My neighbor, who Steve and I refer to as "Tightass," has the Mommy Drive-by elevated to an artform, and oh, there's so much material to work with! So many reasons behind each shitty comment!

First, there's the classic Working Mom/Stay-at-Home Mom battle, which is so tiresome and just stinks and I wish her clothes would burst into flame everytime she picks a fight with me about it. Seriously, I'm tired of it, y'all. I do not care if she stays at home with her kids. I. Do. Not. Care. However, she cares that I work. She cares very, very much.

Drive by of the Day - September 15, 2006

Rosina at Tied to the Tracks posted her own drive by story, which she initially had writen as a comment on Chez Miscarriage's blog. Her experience will be familiar to many--another woman insisting that Rosina's parenting skills were seriously lacking--but what I loved about her story is that she was able to respond in the moment. No apologies, no explanations, no thinking of a great reply ten minutes later. Rosina told off the woman right then and there. I only hope I can do the same the next time I'm in her shoes.

Here's an excerpt from her post The Funny Little Universe

Suddenly an older woman, maybe seventy, dressed to the nines, comes swooping in from nowhere, and leans between me and Elisabeth to grab her hand and pull her thumb out of her mouth. She says in this outraged way: don't you know that's the worst thing you can let her do?

I immediately pushed myself back between the woman and Elisabeth and said, Don't you know better than to touch other people's children? (In the meantime, Elisabeth had retrieved her thumb and was watching with great interest.)

The woman's mouth dropped open and then she pulled herself up and said, I raised three children, you could do with some advice. I've been listening to you talk to that baby for the last ten minutes as if she understood even a word of what you say to her.

I debated giving her an impromtu lecture on language acquisition and the difference between passive and active language skills, but I was too angry. I said, you keep your hands to yourself. And your advice, too.

A brief theory on why daddies don't get drive-bys

Over at Barn Broads, they posted a brief comment from Overheard in New York. The exchange offers one possible reason dads don't get as many drive-bys as moms do. Here's an excerpt from the post Why Men are Spared the Pain of the Mommy Drive-By . . .

Woman: Is this your first child?
Man: Yes, why do you ask?
Woman: You sure act like it is.
Man: What does that have to do with you being rude and inconsiderate?

--Loews Lincoln Square, 68th Street

Overheard by: Frederic Guarino

Now LaCalda knows what to say the next time another woman in a public place decides to weigh in on her parenting skills and/or her child's behavior/appearance/attire.

Defining the drive by

I found a great post on FAQ: The art of the "Mommy Drive-by" from Kerri at Kerri's Life. Here are a few of her questions and answers . . .

Q: What is a "mommy drive-by?"
A: A "mommy drive-by" is a harsh criticism, fired verbally by one parent and aimed straight at the heart of a second parent. As the term implies, it is normally a mommy-to-mommy incident.

Q: Why are mommy drive-bys committed?
A: The sole purpose of a mommy drive-by is to hurt the target. The offender may tell you that her intention was to educate, appeal to, or persuade the target to see/accept/succumb to her point of view, and she may believe that herself, but in reality, the intended consequence is to humiliate, belittle, and/or insult the target's fitness as a parent.

Daddies get drive-bys too

While it seems like moms are the most frequent targets of drive-bys, some dads are lucky enough to receive them too.

I really enjoyed Theoretical Grammatarian's definition of a mommy drive by . . .

When I say "drive-by" I mean a "Mommy drive-by," you know, that really annoying thing random people do where they sort of blind-side you with parenting advice/snark that is always delivered in that tone of voice that implies disbelief that you have been allowed unsupervised custody of a child and thank god they came along just in time, paragon of parenting that they are, at just the right moment with their bit of Dr. Phil drivel that will, no doubt, change the entire way you look at raising your children and save the poor dears from a lifetime of therapy? Yeah, I hate that.

The story she posted is about her husband's drive-by experience--a co-worker noticed her husband's tribal branding on his arm, and worriedly asked if they were planning on branding the baby. In her post--Drive-by by proxy--she provides her own response

Who the FUCK thinks that, just because a parent has body modification, they are going to fucking BRAND their baby? The hell? Do you see many tattooed babies where you fucking come from, you pompous shit goblin? Yeah, we're JUST the type of people who would take a white-hot bit of metal to our 3 and a half month old baby so that he could be the bad boy of the pre-school play-yard.

Drive By Bandwagon

Over at Ever-Fixed Mark, Denise posted a brief quotation from the New York Times about a book scheduled to come out this month that, from the sound of it, looks like a really lengthy drive by. Here's the excerpt Denise quoted from the Times article . . .

Next month, Hyperion’s sales force will begin marketing five titles to booksellers, starting with “The Feminine Mistake” by Leslie Bennetts, a contributing editor at Vanity Fair magazine. In it, Ms. Bennetts argues that women who ‘opt out’ of careers to raise children forfeit the financial, intellectual, emotional and even medical benefits of working outside the home.

[You can read the whole article here, but you have to register, and there may be a charge.]

As Denise responds, "I thought we had called a truce in the Battle of the Mommy Lifestyles." Apparently not, but you can read her complete response--That’s Why They Call Them “Mommy Drive-Bys”

I have to wonder who is the market for this type of book? It certainly sounds like it has a very clear agenda, and I can't imagine that many people who felt differently would be at all interested. And I don't think her audience is all mothers who work outside the home--or even the smaller group of mothers who work outside the home by choice. If the Times has characterized Ms. Bennetts' argument accurately, than I would say she's insulting all mothers. Every mother I know knows exactly what she's gained and sacrificed by making the decisions she has--and I'd emphasize that they make decisions, which is not quite the same thing as making choices.

Maybe it's just the cynic in me, but I assume Hyperion is publishing this book because they know it will generate press--they'll be able to book Ms. Bennetts on talk shows to serve as the voice of working mothers. The shows will book her along with someone who will presumably act as the voice of stay-at-home mothers, and it will all focus on the choices women make without delving into any of the real issues about parenting, mothering, and work.

Drive by of the Day - September 6, 2006

Over at Two is plenty, thanks, Rach shares the joy of her first drive by. I really identified with her desire to explain--even after the other person had already made an initial shot. Is it a desire to be polite (even in the face of rudeness)? A hope that the other person will understand if they know more about the situation? (Of course, it is usually HOURS after such a comment before I remember that "none of your business" is possible response!)

Here's an excerpt from My first drive by

She asked me if I was still breastfeeding and when I told her that I weaned Chava around 8 months, she launched in to a diatribe about how jobs come and go but the benefits of breastfeeding last forever and I should really go back to breastfeeding. She even asked me why I stopped - I should have told her it was none of her business but instead I stupidly started to explain what a challenge it was to pump, which she immediately poo poo'd. I just sort of nodded and packed up my stuff and left, feeling like crap.

Why do people do that?

Drive by of the Day - September 5, 2006

Today's drive by was submitted by Epiphany Alone, and when I read it, I could immediately remember the feeling of being in her situation. The stranger who must think they are helping you by providing completely useless advice. And her drive by experience has that little extra punch supplied by someone who complains about you to someone else with the express purpose of hoping you will hear the comment and realize your shortcomings. All lovely, and just what the mother of a new baby needs.

Here's a brief excerpt from her post Mommy drive by

I sat with Lindsay in the front seat of the car for a while until she finally calmed down. "Don't listen to those people," I whispered. "There's nothing wrong with you. I love you just the way you are...and more than you'll ever know."